Mark 10:32-45
Whenever we experience guilt and
shame because of something we have done wrong, we need to ask ourselves a
question. Do we feel that way because we
are sorrowful that we have disobeyed God or because we cannot stand being less
than perfect in our own eyes or those of others? The first kind of humiliation is spiritually
beneficial and may lead to repentance, but the second kind is simply a form of
pride that easily paralyzes us in obsessive despair. At this point in our
lives, most of us probably experience some mixture of these two types of shame. As we grow closer to Christ, the first must
increase and the second must decrease.
When we wonder if there is hope for
the healing of our souls in this way, we should remember St. Mary of Egypt. She
stands as a brilliant icon of how to repent from even the most shameful sins. Mary
experienced a healthy form of guilt when her eyes were opened to how depraved
she had become through her life of addiction to perverse sexual pleasure. Through the intercessions and guidance of the
Theotokos, she venerated the Holy Cross at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher and
received Communion on her way to decades of ascetical struggle in the desert. When
the monk Zosima stumbled upon her almost 50 years later, he was amazed at her
holiness. He saw this holy woman walk on
water and rise up off the ground in prayer, but like all the saints she knew
only her own sins and perpetual need for the Lord’s mercy.
Perhaps what makes St. Mary of
Egypt’s story such a beautiful icon of true repentance is that she was
genuinely humble before God. She was not
sorrowful for her sin out of a sense of wounded pride, obsessive self-centered
guilt, or fear of what others thought of her.
Instead, she said earnestly to the Theotokos “Be my faithful
witness before your Son that I will never again defile my body by the impurity
of fornication, but as soon as I have seen the Tree of the Cross I will
renounce the world and its temptations and will go wherever you will lead me.” And she did precisely that, abandoning all
that she had known for the long and difficult journey that led to the healing
of her soul. Her focus was completely on
doing whatever it took to reorient her life toward God, to purify her desires
so that she would find true fulfillment in Him.
Today the Orthodox Church calls
us all to follow her example of repentance, regardless of the details of how we
have sinned in thought, word, and deed. By commemorating a notorious sex addict
who became a great saint, we proclaim that no sin is so shameful that we cannot
repent of it. An honest look at our
lives, as we should all take during Lent, dredges up shame and regret in
various forms. St. Mary of Egypt reminds
us to accept humbly the truth about our failings as we confess our sins, call
for the Lord’s mercy, and do what is necessary to find healing. Her example reminds us not to be paralyzed by
prideful obsessions that block us from being freed from slavery to our
passions. Even her depraved way of life did
not exclude St. Mary of Egypt from acquiring remarkable holiness. If she did not let a perverse form of pride
deter her from finding salvation, then no one should be ashamed to kneel before
Christ in humility. The Savior did not reject her and He will not reject us
when we come to Him as she did.
In today’s gospel text, James and
John related to Christ in a very different way, for they wanted the best
positions of power when He came into His Kingdom. The Lord challenged their
prideful delusions by reminding the disciples that humility, not self-exalation,
is the way to life eternal. He said “For even the Son of Man did not come
to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” How
shocking that today we celebrate honest, humble repentance from a woman with a
truly scandalous past while some of the men closest to Christ in His earthly
ministry think only of getting worldly power for themselves.
Perhaps the key difference is that St. Mary of Egypt got
over obsession with herself. Instead of assuming
that she was “damaged goods” for whom there was no hope, she humbly died to
self by taking up her cross. Indeed, her
repentance began in the context of venerating the Holy Cross at the Church of
the Holy Sepulcher. The rest of her
journey required profound faith, sacrifice, and courage. To undo with God’s
help the harm that she had done to herself through years of debauchery must
have been incredibly difficult. But
sustained by the Lord’s mercy and the intercessions of the Theotokos, that is
precisely what she did over the remaining decades of her life.
Today, so near the end of Lent and only a week from Palm
Sunday, we see that this is the path we must take also. In order to follow it, we must not be paralyzed
in prideful shame about anything we have said, thought, done, or otherwise
experienced or participated in at any point in our lives. Instead, we must have the brutal honesty and
deep humility of St. Mary of Egypt, a woman with a revolting past who became a
shining beacon of holiness. That is how
she found healing for her soul and it is how we will find healing for ours also.
The good news of this season is that the Lord makes such blessedness possible
for us all through His Cross, His descent into Hades, and His glorious
resurrection on the third day. But in
order to participate in the great mystery of His salvation, we too must get
over our pride, accept His mercy, and actually repent. If St. Mary of Egypt could do that with her personal
history, we can too.
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